“Instead I have learned things in the dark that I could have never have learned in the light, things that have saved my life over and over again, so that there is really only one logical conclusion.  I need darkness as much as I need light.”  Barbara Brown Taylor

“Protect me from evil spirits that do not come from the light of God”  I pray this mantra fervently, as a talisman to protect myself and those I love.  Alas, that prayer has only been partially fulfilled.  The Creator has protected me from the most vicious demons and evil spirits.  However, my soul has been plunged into the depths of darkness and my soul has been forever changed by its touch.

Humans naturally seek the sun and the light.  God, Jesus, Allah, The Universe, are all synonymous with and symbols of light, salvation, and everything good.  Despite the alternate name of Lucifer, Satan and the devil are forever banished to darkness and evil. Consequently this world prizes and rewards lighter skin tones, blue eyes, and fair features.  Imagine if we could not automatically “other” someone based on the darkness of their features.  

Growing up in a predominantly Western European descendent Michigan village, my family was one of a handful of Mexican American families who settled permanently after arriving as migrant farm workers.  In stark contrast to the other blonde, blue eyed classmates at school, I easily stood out on the playground and was often asked “so what are you?”.  I distinctly remember going home after school and nervously asking my grandfather “are we not white?” and him confirming that no, we were not.  We were Mexican.  We were “Other”. 

My dark brown eyes can capture any hint of light in the darkness and I can easily navigate the nighttime.  Knowing there are not actual monsters in the blackness, just nocturnal creatures in the shadows, has provided comfort and ease with a sense of solidarity with the idea of darkness.  As a creature that is dark and other herself, what is there to fear when you can look at yourself and examine your own soul and find no monsters lurking within?  Instead of running from the darkness and only seeking the light, what if we sit and rest in the darkness and accept what it can teach us?

Naturally, it is almost impossible for us to sit with dark emotions like grief.  We want to rush past them and get to the healing and light again.  To seek the fresh air of happiness.  Some losses and grief are so absolute and profound, the lights just immediately extinguish and everything is plunged into absolutely blackness.  

Losing a child is both unnatural and common.  We always focus on the joy and love of motherhood, but until very recently, a healthy infant was not the promised outcome of a woman’s pregnancy.  Life and death are a razor thin margin that can change at any stage of pregnancy.   

First, I lost a beloved and wanted daughter when I was six months pregnant.  She was going to complete a picture perfect family, a family of four.  One boy, one girl.  Several anguished tests revealed our daughter would not survive the pregnancy or arrive to this world healthy and whole.  We sent her home to God and part of my heart and soul went with her.

By some miracle, we decided to trust our doctors and our faith and try to have a second child.  Having a second son would mean our older son would have a best friend to grow up with.  He would have a friend to share his childhood and we were cautiously optimistic.  There is nothing more desperate and crazed than a mother waiting on test results, knowing deep down that she is bracing for an unthinkable loss once again.  Losing more of her heart and soul and plunging back into the depths of grief and darkness.

Emerging from such transformative loss and sitting with such pain, there are distinct choices to be made.  Does the rest of my life focus on the loss and do I let the darkness shadow my path forward?  Will my face always bear the sadness my heart bears?  Can I allow the darkness to show me the light and joy in my life in ways I never appreciated before?  Will I love my son deeper?   Can I feel more empathy for others?  I choose to walk a path of love, justice, and empathy.  To honor my children’s lives and to continue to tell their stories.  I take the lessons from the dark and marry it to the light every day.